News
🥶 Winter may betray me...
Well, it's arrived — the dreaded official end of Spooky Season. Time to get back to "culturally edifying" cinema full of complex and well-developed characters and nutritious meals that don't begin and end with chocolate & peanut butter.
🕰️ What time is it? 🤔
"Happy" National Candy Corn Day, I guess? Look, to each their own, but it bears noting that candy corn does have a reputation as "Halloween's most contentious sweet," and it's easy to understand why.
What's with today today? 🤨
OCTOBER 2nd IS REALLY PHONING IT IN 🙄
Once again I am tasked with spinning some fairly uninspiring occasions into comedy gold, and once again the calendar deities that govern such things have elected to test my mettle in this pursuit. If today is your birthday, you really deserve better than the following murderer's row of buzz-killing observances.
Without further ado, "happy":
Follow your dreams? 🤨
TOO SOFT 😈
Happy National Cheeseburger Day!
Yes, I know that we just celebrated National Double Cheeseburger Day on Friday, but I don't make the rules — apparently Big Burger does, and they want us stuffing our faces with their wares 24/7, 365.
☎️ Give us a ring... 🧙🏼
I don't know about you, but with how my work week has gone I am both ready for the weekend and wishing I knew some powerful hexes to cast upon my enemies.
😬 Whatever you do today...
Apparently today is National Hug Your Boss Day. I don't know which is more inexplicable:
We've got the hottest buns in town 🐰
NO, A DIFFERENT, MORE DELICIOUS BUN
Happy National Hot Cross Bun Day! I don't know about you, but few things make me feel better about the start of the work week than consuming a freshly baked treat before sitting down at my desk. Like the shirt says, it's important to enjoy the little things.
🥑 Yes we know guac is extra, but...
Happy National Avocado Day! People have been eating avocados since at least 8,000 BCE, so it's definitely a food with staying power. They're a great addition to toast, smoothies, or salads, plus the American Heart Association found that eating an avocado daily can improve cholesterol levels. This is great news because from now on I am going to be referring to my guac-covered nachos as "health food."
It's gonna be a no for us 😒
Regular readers know that it is our tradition to crack wise about whatever national days happen to coincide with sending our newsletter, but today's selections are really bottom-of-the-barrel...
🤗 I want all of the fun stuff and...
It's National Aunt and Uncle Day! Hey, that's me! I love being an aunt because it's like skipping straight to grandparent without the hassle of raising your own kids. You get to drop in and hang with some kiddos your siblings have to do all the hard stuff with, give 'em candy and gifts or tell them knock-knock jokes, and then disappear at the first sign of any real responsibility!
Live forever? 🤨
Happy National Drive-Thru Day! And National Tequila Day, if you're so inclined to double the pleasure and halve your life expectancy!
I am still on that post-vacation "caloric atonement" grind, so if you're fortunate enough (read: responsible and good at moderation) to NOT be on those respective wagons, I hope you'll forgive me for living vicariously through you.
🙄 Here's some unsolicited advice:
Happy National Junk Food Day! At the risk of inciting incensed replies from the nutritionists and dieticians out there (correctly) pointing out that the US already has a junk food problem...shut up, nerds! Matty needs his salty-sweet preservative fix!